For those not familiar with what a chaos symbol is, here’s a basic version of one:
The idea of it is that, being chaos, it’s as likely to go in any direction as any other.
I’m realizing that there are (I daresay increasingly frequent) times when it really feels like my brain is doing exactly this, and it’s getting pretty frustrating.
A quick sample of actual thought processes I routinely have recently, in the way they occur to me, and how they roll over each other as they bounce around in my skull:
I need to look for other work. I’m not making enough and my current job is at times painfully physically demanding, and pretty stressful, and the hours are all over the place. But where else should I look? There are a couple of options I need to look into, like–
[gives way to]
Wait, back when I hit what I thought was going to be a bit of a pause with the voiceover stuff, I never really picked that up again. Had I been doing that all this time, I may have been making some decent money pretty regularly by this point, at least as a side hustle. That’s what I should be focusing on finally getting rolling on, so that whether or not I find other work, I’ve got this other revenue stream developing. So I need to revisit how to cobble together a sample video with my voiceover for the narration. What was that site where it–
[gives way to]
Wait, I haven’t written anything in way too long. I’m a writer, dammit. Writers write. I need to be writing on the regular just for my soul, and hey, hopefully some day as a total perk it’ll be a way I can start making some money, as well. So if there’s anything I should be focusing on, it’s getting my ass in the chair and getting some writing done.
[gives way to]
Ok, writing or doing some tabletop game design. There’s that one in beta testing stage — I really need to get that to friends to try out and over to the game lounge for customers to offer feedback on — and what were those other newer ideas I had been noodling on?
[gives way to]
But hang on, writing or game design could also be done in downtime from other work. Yes, I really want to make some… any… money writing (or making games would be a pretty damn gratifying job), but either of those will almost certainly be a slow burn and gradual buildup to making anything significant from it, if I can even stick with doing those things again and again. Meanwhile, we have bills here and now that I need to help out with. A different job soon would get me that money much faster than writing or making games would. So yeah, a new job should be top priority. Where should I look first for–
[gives way to]
Wait, top-top priority should be getting our taxes squared away so that’s off our plate. And maybe that’ll get us some decent cash on return, so we could help pay some bills with that as a stopgap.
[gives way to]
Ugh, my browser, though. Mozilla is doing some pretty dodgy stuff lately with Firefox and the company itself, so I need to hurry up and find something (not Chromium-based) that I can run on my Windows laptop and sync up with my iPhone. Tall order, as it turns out. That’s been on the back burner for a while now. I really should figure that out soon.
[gives way to]
The Onion and The Beaverton aren’t hiring. But I’ve got some solid ideas for satire articles. Maybe I should start up my own satire news website. Now, what would I call it? And what are some WordPress themes that would work best for a newspaper-style layout? And I guess I’d use my current webhost for it? How much do they even charge for something like that? But wait, that would be an extra cost when we’re already tight on money. Hmm…
[gives way to]
Ooo, hang on, this is a cool idea I’m getting from something in this audiobook I’m listening to. I’ve got to get this down. What if I took that part of this idea, but with the twist that…
Etc., etc., etc.
And as so many people in the business world can tell you, when you keep having priorities stacked on top of other priorities, nothing is actually priority or getting done. So this crazy mix of important stuff mixed with needless stuff mixed with momentary blips of awareness and recollection just churn on, day after day, week after week, with nothing actually getting accomplished.
This is somewhat familiar territory for me, as I’ve long found it difficult to decide which (writing) project to work on next. The difference of course being that in those times I at least knew that I was focusing on writing specifically, whereas these days I’m pretty spun on which of anything to focus on. New work or writing project? Get a game idea to the next level of completion or start a new creative venture entirely?
I suspect — and please feel free to chime in with your take in the comments — that looking for new work is the actual real priority. Because if I can get a better job (read: Something I can do and isn’t the most physically demanding job I’ve ever had, that pays at least what I’m getting now but hopefully more, and hopefully with better hours, none of which are a big ask, let me tell you), then guess what: Other stresses start getting notched down. I can help pay more bills and/or be home with the family at more reasonable hours and more often. That will then also open up time for more creative pursuits, like writing and game design and maybe starting up a satire news site, and because the bills and family time would be getting better managed, I wouldn’t feel as guilty for indulging in creative pursuits.*
Well, that gives me a direction, at least. Which will feel better than just stagnating without any progress on any front. I can always change course, after all. But I’ve got to get moving first.
Onward.
*Related side note: I’ve just started reading “We Need Your Art – Stop messing around and make something” by Amie McNee, and absolutely LOVE how she starts off by asserting that creative pursuits are completely worthwhile and should be lauded, not derided as slacking off or wasting time. Suffice to say, I think this book is going to have an impact on me. But I’ll save getting into that for another time once I’ve gotten through it.